Mark Forrester - Independent digital designer and online entrepreneur

After reading this is, I thought “Hmmm…is this an article for my blog?”, probably a bit off the topic, not that I have a general blog topic. Probably a bit offensive to some. But then I read it again and laughed as hard as I did the first time and thought “Yup” its going up.

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our seats and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING – When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants

FLY BY – The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK. When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gunpace.

This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided wit the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER. A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it.

You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident.

This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS. A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR. Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE. A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON. A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.

HAVANA OMELET. A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.

An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

More interesting facts here. If this interests you :)

I found the answer to this question in “The Small Times” coffee companion paper. I’m going to quote it word for word so I thought if I mention “The Small Times” at least three times in this article they won’t mind me using their content. Thanks “The Small Times”

Answer:
Because instead of getting its power from the national grid, your telephone gets its juice straight down the line from Telkom. The fixed-line monopoly has its own so-called Uniterrupted Power Supply which runs off giant batteries. The batteries are kept fully-charged using Eskom power, but Telkom also has it’s own back-up petrol and diesel generators in case the grid goes down for any period.

The current is carried down one of the two wires connecting your telephone to the network. The other carries your voice, obviously.

A telephone can’t run off your metered supply because it needs only a fraction of the current pushed out by a 15 amp wall plug.

Only about 20 to 30 milliamps are needed to enable the microphone in the mouthpiece to modulate your voice, and make the thing ring.

Which is why you can phone while you’re in the bath, and live to towel yourself down.

So Christmas is around the corner, a time for family, big over indulgent lunches, soap on a rope, socks, and chocolate gifts from distant relatives, and of course decorations. Christmas lights being one of them, and for this dude a VERY VERY big part of Christmas!

He has choreographed his Christmas lights, set to music by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Defintely worth a watch, and after watching it remember to ask yourself why o why would someone want to do that?

Christmas light disco

This has got to be the coolest cruiseliner ever to be built. Launching in about 184 days (according to the website), this cruiseliner boasts a huge amount of things to do, with facilities that are out of this world. They are even going to have a flowrider on the deck. For those of you who don’t know what a flowrider is, in a nutshell, it is an artificial wave, built for surfers, and other board riders to surf, whilst not moving anywhere, just carving away at this mass of moving water on a giant wave shaped piece of fibre glass. Hard to explain, but go to the site and see the animation. Very cool.

Other facilties include a climbing wall, the H20 zone, a whirpool, the sports pool, an ice rink, and the new family staterooms.

Visit their website. The website even rocks, very flashy, so make sure you got a decent connection though.
http://www.freedomoftheseas.com