Mark Forrester - Independent digital designer and online entrepreneur

I know most of you want insightful posts from me :) But this one was irresistable, it had to be done.

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
8. “Doc, I can’t stop singing, ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” “It’s Not Unusual.”
9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”
13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I’m pretty sure it’s Calvin.
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
15. I went to the butcher the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t — I’ve cut off your arms!”
17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

AskMen.com – One Liners Joke

You’ll need the following:

1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky

Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it’s the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still okay.

Cry another Tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two lggs and add to the bowl. Chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

AskMen.com

Two recent court cases have earned the attention of newspaper readers in South Africa. One person was fined R1 000 for not having a TV license. Another was released on bail for R500 after being arrested for murder.

The moral of this South African story: If you do not have a TV license and the inspector comes round, kill him. You’ll save R500.

So it was only a matter of time before Borat got in poo poo for some of his comments at the MTV awards. Don’t get me wrong he is a funny guy, but sometimes he takes it one step too far. His translation of Shakira stood out to me, I was like “Hmmm… that’s a bit harsh”.

So now the whole of Kazakhstan wants to sue him. Read more about this here: Borat in Trouble

Some famous Borat quotes for those of you who don’t know him (shame on you):

“If you come back with me to my country,(….) I will give you television and remote control…”

“In Kazhakstan we have many hobbies: disco dancing, archery, rape and table tennis…”

“Englishman must have a hobby. Some like to collect the stamp or make jam. But the most fun is to kill a a little animal with a shotgun or rip him up with a wild dog.”